2012-03-30

The Maths Tutor - A Conversation

The following conversation took place over a series of emails over the last few days. The sender is a suspected spammer, with a rather unusual scam.

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Hello, I'm J***** B****, During my search for a lesson teacher that would help in taking my son (K******). During is stay in USA. I found your advert and it is very okay to me since you specialize in the area I'm seeking for him.

My son would be coming to your city before the end of this month for a period of time with his friend, I'll like to know if you can help in taking him for the lesson? just to keep him busy. K****** is 14 years old, So kindly let me know your charges cost per hour/lesson in order for me to arrange for his payment before he travels down to your side.

He will be staying there for one months.

Please Reply back on:(1). Your charges per 1 hour (3 times a week for 1 Months):starting from 31th March Until 30th April 2012 (2) Total Cost For 12 class/12 hours lessons in 1 month (3). The Day and time you will be available to teach him During the week:

Well am very happy that i see you as my Son tutor,about your years of Experience there is no problem about the lessons,my caregiver lives very close to the Area. So there is no problem for the lesson OK my caregiver will be bringing him to your location for the lessons and you can teach my Him Anywhere around you if that is OK by you so i will like you to teach my Son the best of you when he get to the USA for the lessons.

I will like you to email me with your schedule for the lessons,I will like you to email me with the name on the check and Full mailing address where the check will be mailed to and including your Home and Cell phone number because my attorney that want to issue out the check is leaving the State by this week okay and also K****** is a beginner lessons learning, Awaiting your response asap. Also the lessons will commence by 31th March Until 30th April 2012 is this okay by you? I will be awaiting to read from you. Best Wishes.J*****.

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Hello. So are you saying that your son is coming to stay in my town in North Wales, UK, for a month, and you are asking me to be his maths tutor?

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Please Reply back on:(1). Your charges per 1 hour (3 times a week for 1 Months):starting from 21st April Until 30th April 2012 (2) Total Cost For 12 class/12 hours lessons in 1 month (3). The Day and time you will be available to teach him During the week:

Please send me the name to be written on the check and the address where the check should be mailed too. and send me your phone number,mobile number,

i will be waiting to hear from you.

Thanks.

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I will contact you with details of where to write the checque in time, but here goes -My rate is £30UK - that's thirty pounds Sterling - per hour.Times: I usually arrange late afternoon classes, from 16:00 - 17:00 on Tuesday, Thursday and Friday afternoons.

So your son is visiting the United Kingdom, then? Does he have accommodation local to where I live?

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Please send me the name to be written on the check and the address where the check should be mailed too. and send me your phone number,mobile number, i will be waiting to hear from you. Thanks.

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Before I supply you with any details, can I confirm some things from you first? Does your son have any dietary or medical requirements? Does he have diabetes, allergies and so on, or specific dietary strictures due to his religion or vegetarianism?

Does your son have any problems with access, such as a disability preventing him from climbing stairs, blindness or deafness? Do you require me to provide you with a copy of my CRB disclosure certificate? You never know if the person you are trusting with your son's welfare might feed him tea laced with GHB and take photos of him while he's nice and sleepy, all trussed up naked with a ball gag in his mouth or something. Which reminds me; does he have asthma?

I have to ask specifically about asthma because your son would have to be careful in my place. I know how curious young people are, and no matter how carefully I might lock away my handcuffs, my bondage gear and my bottle of laughing gas I know that the curious mind is always bound to want to dig around. I don't want him coming across my bottles of liquid latex and touching my butt plugs, and I certainly don't want to come from the shower and find him huffing my nitrous, half passed out with a medical mask over his face, naked, giggling, horny. Nitrous is expensive, you know, so I hope he is the sort to stay put and do the exercises I will give him, and even the maths exercises. I've had this happen to guests who never told me they had asthma, and believe me it's a nightmare.

Do you have any objections to your son being taught vedic mathematics by an occultist vegetarian whose best friend (who frequently drops in unannounced) is a bisexual lesbian Tantric sex magic priestess, follower of the Left Hand Path (as am I, incidentally) and High Priestess of the local branch of the Cult of Set? We're all for tolerance and diversity here, so I hope he won't have any objections on religious grounds. If you can answer my queries first, I will be happy to comply with your insistent request for my personal details.

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And that's as far as I've got so far. Still awaiting his reply. But if he does reply, and he's just interested in asking me for my personal details, I'll just send him a copy of a pic of Justin Bieber in bondage.

1 comment:

"And if we have unearned luck, now to scape the serpent's tongue, we will make amends ere long. Else the Puck a liar call ..."

So speak.